We recap the hit 1983 movie, Flashdance. From the steel mill to to ballet corps pipeline that travels through the gayest welder’s burlesques bar that is for sure not a strip club, random crossing guard montages, the bizarre plot that’s more of a montage, in this aspiring ballerina’s movie with so, so little actual ballet.
GYMCASTIC MOVIE CLUB: FLASHDANCE COMMISSION
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BACKGROUND: WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE?
- Directed by Adrian Lyne, the 1983 film was licensed from the true story of Maureen Marder, a construction worker by day and a stripper by night
- Despite low initial expectations, the movie became a massive, surprise blockbuster hit worldwide
- The movie was released one year before the 1984 Olympics where everyone wore a cut off sweatshirt over one shoulder
- The background of this movie is Pittsburgh, the evil city of coal mining and steel mills
THE PLOT
- Played by Jennifer Beals, 18-going-on-44 Alex spends most of the movie whispering secrets directly into her own shoulder
- By day, Alex breaks societal norms by working at a factory even though SHE IS A GIRL
- Her lifelong dream is to join the Pittsburgh Ballet Conservatory, despite the fact that she has never done ballet once in her life and performs no ballet throughout the entire movie
The Gayest Welder’s Burlesque of All Time
- She puts on more clothing to dress like a mix between Queen Elizabeth/David Bowie/Paper Shredder for a performance piece about an electrocuting television which ends when she turns into a business woman and then has a strobe light seizure in front of Microsoft Excel
- Why you need to see this if you want to fully understand the 1988 East German team
- Oh wait don’t worry she’s not a slut! She works for the good strip club with no nudity not the bad one!!!!
- She goes to confession to show she’s been a good girl and that therapy hasn’t been invented yet
Montage-a-palooza
- When British Gymnastics published its guide for how NOT to photograph women’s gymnastics they actually should have just showed this movie and said DON’T
- Why is there an entire montage about being a crossing guard??
- The ”I love rock and roll” exercise montage where they go to a white void with one weight in, which basically sums up what working out in the 1980s was
The Friends
- Jeanie Szabo is a waitress who is bad at figure skating and falls twice at her audition, leaving her with no other option but to become a stripper
- The moral of the movie is everyone is bad at everything and you should probably just quit
- The boy who leaves for LA to try to make it as a stand-up comedian, but then returns five seconds later as a crocodile for Halloween?
- Wait, who is Hannah and what is her tragic back story?
GAHHHHH
- Everything about the boss/romantic lead story line is gross AF
- First of all, he is her literal boss at the steel mill, making the entire pursuit a massive HR violation from day one
- Following her home from work. Nope
- Disrespects her apartment. Nope
- Attempted sexual assault. Nope
What a Feeling Audition
- Lots of celebrating for only getting an audition, especially for someone who doesn’t know anything about ballet
- How gymnastics ruined our movie watching experience here
What If We Remade This Movie?
- In 2026 who would be the perfect person to dance, do gymnastics, breakdance, and punch men to play Alex?
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